Dear Diary (Attack!)

I'm not really sure how I feel today. I mean the past two days have been really rough here. In the past 48 hours I have been falsely accused, verbally beaten, threatened and been shown, all around, the lack of love, comfort and support that I so desperately need.

It started out as a night of fun that slowly escalated by drinking too much into Him having to stay awake by screaming at me, accusing me of terrible things and putting me down in ways that someone who loves me should never do. It hurt and I wanted to cry so much, but I have learned that in order to survive these attacks by Him, I must harden myself and never show signs of weakness or the verbal and emotional assault will continue.


It is a very hard way to live and it wasn't always this way. If my closest friends or those I call family knew about this, they would beg me to do something about it. But I can't stop thinking that maybe He'll change again. Change into the man that He once was. I know that I must be fighting a losing battle and I keep praying that I will find a job soon so that He will be off my back about at least that one thing. He doesn't understand emotional issues or that the things He says hurts. He comes from His perfect little family and doesn't realize that I am suffering, even without His attacks. That I have too much emotional strain as it is without adding a stressful job that would likely make me collapse.

It isn't that I don't want to work. I do! I'm just scared to go back to employment. Scared I won't live up to anyone's expectations. All my life I have been expected to fail and no one has ever reassured me that I did my best, even if I did fail. He is no exception. Talk about emotions and He doesn't care. Calls it EBD and moves on to attack how I should just "get over it"; He doesn't see that I can't do that, and that his assaults make things worse.

I tell myself that I should be grateful he doesn't hit me, as two husbands and several stepfathers have before in the past. I always forget that it's not only fists that can cause scars. He doesn't see it that way. I trudge forward, sluggish, telling myself to just go my own way. I pray for guidance and hope I can be strong. One day...

One Day...

"Brutal" by Saige

"Broken" by Saige

Dear Diary (Mother)

I start this blog tentatively, afraid that someone will know who I am. It's the first I have posted online about how I feel about my mother and I can't deny being scared, afraid and insecure. These blogs help me tremendously and I can only hope that venting some frustration will help.

From the time of my birth in Mid December, just before the great blizzard of '82, I have never felt like I had a mother. She never did anything horrible directly to me and she never punished me herself. She had her various boyfriends for that. I never trusted her and certainly don't now.



As of this writing, she has helped take away the most precious things I have ever had. My children. Teaming up with my half-sister, she managed to hurt me in ways no one else has managed and as a result, I no longer speak to her. It hurt for many years. Not having a family except my adopted brother and his wife, who I don't see that often anymore anyway. All I had was my DF's family and we don't really get along as I come with a lot of baggage. I guess I understand that.

I have a father now, and I'm excited about us building, or should I say rebuilding our relationship. But Mother-I don't know if I will ever want her around me again. And that is a hard truth to swallow.

I end this blog, hoping that I will feel better the rest of the day and be able to work on some artwork displaying how I feel. I don't need to fall into a funk and have it effect my day, or my week for that matter. So this is the end. I need to pray for guidance now.