Dear Diary (2010)

Looking back on 2009:

As the new year approaches, and as I do every year, it is time to sit and reflect on this past year, what worked, what didn't, what worked out, what fell apart and what I want to keep, change and add to in the coming year. So Let the lists begin.

The Highlights:
1) A 4 day road trip that covered Nasville, Chattanooga, Atlanta, Tallahassee, Pensecola, Mobile, New Orleans, Jackson, Memphis and Little Rock as well as all the small towns in between stopped in for various things like eating, sleeping and gas.
- What I'd do all over again:
The whole thing! It was a blast and with a few tweaks it could have been an even better time!
- What I'd change:
Sleeping in the car and using rest stop showers to clean up! That was NO fun at all!

2) Anniversary trip to Hannibal, MO. We stayed in an awesome bed and breakfast that was once a brothel!
- What I'd do all over again:
The whirlpool tub! And the pizza was out of this world.
- What I'd change:
A few things: The sightseeing. We've now seen it all so there's no point in doing all that over again. The time we went was April and the lake wasn't open yet for use. I'd like to try to go back and enjoy that. And lastly, the nightlife was crap. Food was good though!

3) Becoming the owner of a snapping turtle.
- What I'd do all over again:
The way we found him. DF nearly stepped on him at Big River back in April. He was so tiny and adorable and begging to be scooped up and brought home.
- What I'd change:
The fact that we still have him, he hates me, and he's under my care all day!

4) Reconnecting with high school chums.
- What I'd do all over again:
Nothing! I am so glad that I was able to find most of my old friends from school and even get together with some of them for adult fun now that we are all no longer kids.
- What I'd change:
Being able to see them more. And trying harder to find more of my friends. A goal for the new year :)

5) Finding my father. More importantly, finding that my father is not an evil man and that he was always willing to be my daddy.
- What I'd do all over again:
Locating him. Then spending 10 hours in one night catching up over the past 20 years of no communication. I love being able to have a daddy and finally have something that resembles a family. We're dysfunctional, but we're blood and love each other.
- What I'd change:
As with friends above, I'd have pursued it harder sooner. And I'd have stopped being scared of being unloved and unwanted. Just because we didn't have a relationship for all those years didn't mean that he didn't want me and that I should have listened to his side of the story as soon as I turned 18.

6) Having the washer AND dryer on the fritz.
- What I'd do all over again:
Keep trying to fix it while I whine and complain. It's no fun!
- What I'd change:
Making DF go get the one from storage a lot sooner than he is. Punk!

2010 Goals:
I guess my goals for 2010 are a lot stronger than they have ever been in previous years. I am really hoping to strengthen some friendships that have weakened, eliminate people from my life who don't enrich my life in anyway, rebuild lost family ties, and as always, blog more. That's it, in a nutshell.

Though I also want to pursue my career interests in 2010, I will do so anyway, with or without standing support from others. So here are the few thoughts I have about 2010 and what I can do to change my life to make it better.

- Friends:
It's hard to look at someone as a friend the way I do. I have grown up for 28 years with no true family and have made my friends into my family. I understand that not all of them can recipricate that feeling, but at the same time, I have the right to expect that they understand how I feel and how I view them. In no way do I expect anyone to drop what they are doing for me, to help me, or just to hang out. But I do expect loyalty and commitment. Friendship is not a hobby you can pick up or leave anytime it suits you. It's a relationship, like any other. I have been burned too many times this year alone and do not intend to let that happen in the coming years.

- Work:
I am gaining on full time employment every day. I need to catch the big break sooner rather than later, although I expect my lack of enthusiasm might be the reason that I am not employed at this time. Of course, there are other reasons, but that is one of the biggest. In 2010 and all the coming years, I refuse to let my BPD and depression get me down!

I guess that's it really. At least for now.

Make the most of your years as you may not have as many as you think (R.I.P George Jost).