Dear Diary (Attack!)

I'm not really sure how I feel today. I mean the past two days have been really rough here. In the past 48 hours I have been falsely accused, verbally beaten, threatened and been shown, all around, the lack of love, comfort and support that I so desperately need.

It started out as a night of fun that slowly escalated by drinking too much into Him having to stay awake by screaming at me, accusing me of terrible things and putting me down in ways that someone who loves me should never do. It hurt and I wanted to cry so much, but I have learned that in order to survive these attacks by Him, I must harden myself and never show signs of weakness or the verbal and emotional assault will continue.


It is a very hard way to live and it wasn't always this way. If my closest friends or those I call family knew about this, they would beg me to do something about it. But I can't stop thinking that maybe He'll change again. Change into the man that He once was. I know that I must be fighting a losing battle and I keep praying that I will find a job soon so that He will be off my back about at least that one thing. He doesn't understand emotional issues or that the things He says hurts. He comes from His perfect little family and doesn't realize that I am suffering, even without His attacks. That I have too much emotional strain as it is without adding a stressful job that would likely make me collapse.

It isn't that I don't want to work. I do! I'm just scared to go back to employment. Scared I won't live up to anyone's expectations. All my life I have been expected to fail and no one has ever reassured me that I did my best, even if I did fail. He is no exception. Talk about emotions and He doesn't care. Calls it EBD and moves on to attack how I should just "get over it"; He doesn't see that I can't do that, and that his assaults make things worse.

I tell myself that I should be grateful he doesn't hit me, as two husbands and several stepfathers have before in the past. I always forget that it's not only fists that can cause scars. He doesn't see it that way. I trudge forward, sluggish, telling myself to just go my own way. I pray for guidance and hope I can be strong. One day...

One Day...