Dear Diary (2010)

Looking back on 2009:

As the new year approaches, and as I do every year, it is time to sit and reflect on this past year, what worked, what didn't, what worked out, what fell apart and what I want to keep, change and add to in the coming year. So Let the lists begin.

The Highlights:
1) A 4 day road trip that covered Nasville, Chattanooga, Atlanta, Tallahassee, Pensecola, Mobile, New Orleans, Jackson, Memphis and Little Rock as well as all the small towns in between stopped in for various things like eating, sleeping and gas.
- What I'd do all over again:
The whole thing! It was a blast and with a few tweaks it could have been an even better time!
- What I'd change:
Sleeping in the car and using rest stop showers to clean up! That was NO fun at all!

2) Anniversary trip to Hannibal, MO. We stayed in an awesome bed and breakfast that was once a brothel!
- What I'd do all over again:
The whirlpool tub! And the pizza was out of this world.
- What I'd change:
A few things: The sightseeing. We've now seen it all so there's no point in doing all that over again. The time we went was April and the lake wasn't open yet for use. I'd like to try to go back and enjoy that. And lastly, the nightlife was crap. Food was good though!

3) Becoming the owner of a snapping turtle.
- What I'd do all over again:
The way we found him. DF nearly stepped on him at Big River back in April. He was so tiny and adorable and begging to be scooped up and brought home.
- What I'd change:
The fact that we still have him, he hates me, and he's under my care all day!

4) Reconnecting with high school chums.
- What I'd do all over again:
Nothing! I am so glad that I was able to find most of my old friends from school and even get together with some of them for adult fun now that we are all no longer kids.
- What I'd change:
Being able to see them more. And trying harder to find more of my friends. A goal for the new year :)

5) Finding my father. More importantly, finding that my father is not an evil man and that he was always willing to be my daddy.
- What I'd do all over again:
Locating him. Then spending 10 hours in one night catching up over the past 20 years of no communication. I love being able to have a daddy and finally have something that resembles a family. We're dysfunctional, but we're blood and love each other.
- What I'd change:
As with friends above, I'd have pursued it harder sooner. And I'd have stopped being scared of being unloved and unwanted. Just because we didn't have a relationship for all those years didn't mean that he didn't want me and that I should have listened to his side of the story as soon as I turned 18.

6) Having the washer AND dryer on the fritz.
- What I'd do all over again:
Keep trying to fix it while I whine and complain. It's no fun!
- What I'd change:
Making DF go get the one from storage a lot sooner than he is. Punk!

2010 Goals:
I guess my goals for 2010 are a lot stronger than they have ever been in previous years. I am really hoping to strengthen some friendships that have weakened, eliminate people from my life who don't enrich my life in anyway, rebuild lost family ties, and as always, blog more. That's it, in a nutshell.

Though I also want to pursue my career interests in 2010, I will do so anyway, with or without standing support from others. So here are the few thoughts I have about 2010 and what I can do to change my life to make it better.

- Friends:
It's hard to look at someone as a friend the way I do. I have grown up for 28 years with no true family and have made my friends into my family. I understand that not all of them can recipricate that feeling, but at the same time, I have the right to expect that they understand how I feel and how I view them. In no way do I expect anyone to drop what they are doing for me, to help me, or just to hang out. But I do expect loyalty and commitment. Friendship is not a hobby you can pick up or leave anytime it suits you. It's a relationship, like any other. I have been burned too many times this year alone and do not intend to let that happen in the coming years.

- Work:
I am gaining on full time employment every day. I need to catch the big break sooner rather than later, although I expect my lack of enthusiasm might be the reason that I am not employed at this time. Of course, there are other reasons, but that is one of the biggest. In 2010 and all the coming years, I refuse to let my BPD and depression get me down!

I guess that's it really. At least for now.

Make the most of your years as you may not have as many as you think (R.I.P George Jost).

Dear Diary (Christmas Wish)

So it's Christmas.

And it's been a pretty rocky year. I have, however, decided that this year I am starting a new Christmas tradition for myself. I am going to write down my Christmas wish and put in away in a box. Then all year I will work towards making that wish come true. Next year, I will open that box and see what it says and if I accomplished it. If I did, I will buy myself a nice Christmas present. If I didn't, no present. I think it's a damn fine way to set a yearly goal :)

Other than that, things have been hard for me around here. DF is becoming increasingly verbally abusive and I can't stand it anymore. The arguments, the threats, the accusations. It is all taking its toll on me and I am starting to lose my identity again. I don't much like that feeling. I have to do something to change it. It's a slow process but hopefully I can be strong enough to bend when the wind blows and go my own way once it stops.

Happy holidays to all of my readers. I vow to write more in the coming year.

Merry Christmas!

Dear Diary (Attack!)

I'm not really sure how I feel today. I mean the past two days have been really rough here. In the past 48 hours I have been falsely accused, verbally beaten, threatened and been shown, all around, the lack of love, comfort and support that I so desperately need.

It started out as a night of fun that slowly escalated by drinking too much into Him having to stay awake by screaming at me, accusing me of terrible things and putting me down in ways that someone who loves me should never do. It hurt and I wanted to cry so much, but I have learned that in order to survive these attacks by Him, I must harden myself and never show signs of weakness or the verbal and emotional assault will continue.


It is a very hard way to live and it wasn't always this way. If my closest friends or those I call family knew about this, they would beg me to do something about it. But I can't stop thinking that maybe He'll change again. Change into the man that He once was. I know that I must be fighting a losing battle and I keep praying that I will find a job soon so that He will be off my back about at least that one thing. He doesn't understand emotional issues or that the things He says hurts. He comes from His perfect little family and doesn't realize that I am suffering, even without His attacks. That I have too much emotional strain as it is without adding a stressful job that would likely make me collapse.

It isn't that I don't want to work. I do! I'm just scared to go back to employment. Scared I won't live up to anyone's expectations. All my life I have been expected to fail and no one has ever reassured me that I did my best, even if I did fail. He is no exception. Talk about emotions and He doesn't care. Calls it EBD and moves on to attack how I should just "get over it"; He doesn't see that I can't do that, and that his assaults make things worse.

I tell myself that I should be grateful he doesn't hit me, as two husbands and several stepfathers have before in the past. I always forget that it's not only fists that can cause scars. He doesn't see it that way. I trudge forward, sluggish, telling myself to just go my own way. I pray for guidance and hope I can be strong. One day...

One Day...

"Brutal" by Saige

"Broken" by Saige

Dear Diary (Mother)

I start this blog tentatively, afraid that someone will know who I am. It's the first I have posted online about how I feel about my mother and I can't deny being scared, afraid and insecure. These blogs help me tremendously and I can only hope that venting some frustration will help.

From the time of my birth in Mid December, just before the great blizzard of '82, I have never felt like I had a mother. She never did anything horrible directly to me and she never punished me herself. She had her various boyfriends for that. I never trusted her and certainly don't now.



As of this writing, she has helped take away the most precious things I have ever had. My children. Teaming up with my half-sister, she managed to hurt me in ways no one else has managed and as a result, I no longer speak to her. It hurt for many years. Not having a family except my adopted brother and his wife, who I don't see that often anymore anyway. All I had was my DF's family and we don't really get along as I come with a lot of baggage. I guess I understand that.

I have a father now, and I'm excited about us building, or should I say rebuilding our relationship. But Mother-I don't know if I will ever want her around me again. And that is a hard truth to swallow.

I end this blog, hoping that I will feel better the rest of the day and be able to work on some artwork displaying how I feel. I don't need to fall into a funk and have it effect my day, or my week for that matter. So this is the end. I need to pray for guidance now.

Dear Diary (Daddy)

After 20 years, I finally found my father.



It started out as a lonely drunk night as my DF wasn't home. In fact, he was off to Florida to visit with his dad and mom for his mother's birthday. I was lonely and not just a little scared so I called the state child support enforcement to see if I could locate my father. They found him for me, but wouldn't give me any information. But they did agree to send a letter to him stating that I wanted to get in contact with him.

20 years had past so I could only imagine the thoughts he was thinking as he opened up this letter and saw my name. I'd been through a different kind of hell, not ever having a father or anyone to call Daddy. All my life Mother had swept me from one man to another and leaving him just when I felt comfortable enough to dare call him dad. I prayed and hoped for a phone call.

It finally came. We talked for 10 hours straight, hoping we could cram 20 years into a phone call. It was a wonderful conversation and he appeared nothing like the terrible man that Mother portrayed him as. And best of all, he wanted to claim me! No one has ever wanted to claim me.

So here I am, no longer fatherless and working as hard as I can, with emotions running high, to build a relationship with a man who's love I should have had all my life. He does love me. And he's reassured me that he never stopped loving me, even after all these absent years.

I can finally be what I always wanted to be...A daddy's girl